the OTHER mother

Twins?

Carrie and Cosmo, separated at birth, reunited at last?

Pursuit of Happiness

It may seem to you via this blog that I am an upbeat person, and I usually am, but the truth is that I have a life-long relationship with depression.  I am not always depressed, but I perceive my life as a constant struggle with it.  Depression never seems very far away.  For me, happiness has been one of those fairly elusive things.  I often ask myself, what makes happy people happy?  I have also wondered if happy people can understand depression, and conversely, if those people who have "been there" can conceive of true happiness. 

As I parent, I find still more to fret over. Will my tendency toward depression affect my children?  What have I learned (if anything) about creating happiness?  Are there ways that I might help Pearl and Carrie become happier, both in the present and in the future?

Recently I discovered "The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness" by Christine Carter on the website of The Greater Good Science Center at Berkeley.  They publish extremely readable articles based on scientific research.  From Carter's article, I take away a number of ideas that I want to remember and practice in our family.

• "Happiness certainly comes to some people more easily than it does others, but nature does not trump nurture when it comes to well-being. Only about half of a child’s overall level of happiness is determined by her genetic make-up."
• "The primary components of a happy life—positive feelings, flow and fulfillment, emotional intelligence and strong social bonds—are deeply intertwined. Experiencing and expressing positive emotion is at the heart of almost all love and friendship."
• an "important skill [that] parents teach children is how to deal with free-time and solitude in a way that promotes fulfillment and flow rather than loneliness and depression
• "Emotional intelligence and social competence are rooted in the parent-child bond. Studies show that when parents and caregivers pay close attention and respond to the emotional cues expressed by their children, children learn to regulate their emotions better."
• Parents can perceive "emotional expressions in their children—even anger and frustration—as opportunities to connect with and teach their children."

These passages are not meant as a summary but rather as ideas that struck me based on my personal experience.  I was surprised at how important Csikszentmihalyi's ideas about "flow" are to Carter's article.  I had read some of his work with great interest, but I don't think I had related it to parenting.  As always, your thoughts are welcome.

A Poem a Day

Song

The lions are roaring
with temper.

The traffic is running
in terror. 

The dolphins are leaping
in happiness.

The people are rushing
to the shop in the market.

I am resting, trying to
get some sleep.

The fire is burning
with fear.

The cars are driving
with speed.

The mother is resting
to sleep.

A girl who wants
to sing,

The world about
to spin,

The wind blushing
in trees,

With my mother,
With me.

Anh, 3^rd Grade

Celebrate National Poetry Month with A Poem a Day, a project sponsored
by Writers in the Schools (WITS).  Each day of April we select a poem by
one of our students and share it with friends.  If you want to receive the
poem in your inbox, sign up here.  Or if you'd like to read the poems on
the WITS blog, simply bookmark the website. 

This poem "Song" by Anh, age 9, is a sneak preview.  If you like this one,
there are more wonders to come.  Feel free to post this on your blog. 
And a very happy poetry month to you.

Spring Break

Pearl's Spring Break is officially over.  We spent the week at home, which is Pearl's favorite place.  Click here to see the photos.

Little Bitty Cindy Sherman

Carrie loves to press buttons.  She has recently discovered the joys of digital photography.

For now, she is most interested in creating self-portraits.  Armpits loom large in most of these pictures.

Recognizable photos are rare but not completely out of the realm of possibility.

Houston Cool 3

Here's the Houston skyline, as seen from the middle of a sculpture by Dubuffet, looking up.  I like it.

Barbie: More Than a Doll (TM)

You might recall that we drove to Florida last month. It's a 10 hour journey, and in order to help us endure the long car ride, Marcia bought a bunch of used toys at the resale shop "The Young and the Restless" so that the kids would have some brand new plastic junk to entertain themselves. 

One of the items was a Barbie doll. We have many friends who have banned Barbie from their premises.  Neither Marcia nor I played with dolls as kids, but I think Marcia tossed it into the duffel bag in the name of experimentation.

Throughout the long drive, we continue to pull out new curios as things came to a lull.  We were halfway home when Barbie finally made her debut.  Neither Pearl nor Carrie had any interest in the doll at all.  Carrie removed the doll's clothes and high heel shoes.  That was fun but the question remained.  Now what? They looked at Barbie with disappointment.  She had nothing to offer.

Then Pearl and Marcia started playing a game with their cell phones.  Pearl had a toy phone (a cellophone, she called it), and Marcia had a thumb and forefinger at her ear.  Marcia pretended to be Pearl's friend Alex.  They had many funny conversations.  "Alex" asked about Pearl's vacation.  Pearl told "Alex" about how she flew a kite on the beach and collected small white seashells.

Then something bad happened.  Pearl dropped her phone on the floor of the car and cried.  Carrie said "Uh oh!"  again and again.  No one could reach the phone.  That's where Barbie comes in.  She had not fallen on the floor.  Pearl made a discovery.  Bent at the waist, a Barbie makes a very nice cell phone.  Hello? And they continued the game. 

Later in the conversation, "Alex" asked Pearl where she had gotten her new phone. Pearl explained, "At the naked girl store of course!"  Oh, said "Alex," do you think I could go there and buy one too?  Sure, said Pearl.  What is a naked girl store? "Alex" asked.  Why, it is where all the girls go to feel safely naked!"

Now we all know.

Greensleeves

First Wedding

Pearl and Carrie attended their first wedding last night.  Technically we went only to the
reception, but that's close enough, right?  Our friends Nellie and Kevin celebrated their marriage with a wonderful Irish/Mexican St. Patty's Day fiesta.  We had a whole lot of fun.

Pearl was happy that there were so many kids there.  At dinner she sparred with a boy named Dandy (Danny) who claimed that Carrie was HIS baby.  Dandy's big brother Matthew tried to mediate but to no avail.  In a rare moment of sibling loyalty, Pearl made it very clear that this was NOT the case. She announced at least a dozen times, IT IS MY BABY!

After dinner the DJ got the music started, and Pearl and Carrie were the first ones grooving.  Somebody's got to get a party started. 

Dandy turned out to be a better man than Pearl expected.  His name was all over her dance card.  I guess she forgave Dandy for his kidnapping overtures, because she even invited him to meet us at the park to play the next day.

Pearl and Carrie

Question(s) of the Day

For obvious reasons, Marcia and I have been talking a lot about birthday parties.  A while back Marcia shared this website and our main goal has been to keep things simple and child-centered. Here are some questions for you.

1)  Did you (will you) have a big party celebrating your child's first birthday?

We had small family-only parties for Pearl and Carrie's first birthdays because the birthday is really more for the family.  Our one-year-olds didn't know what birthdays were yet.  We did have a cake and we did sing happy birthday.  We had a few gifts.  But that was it.  I've read poll results, though, that indicate that many  families do bigger celebrations for the first birthday than the second or third. I know that some cultures emphasize birthday #1. 

2)  Have you ever been to a birthday party that you considered over-the-top?

I haven't.  Not yet, anyway.  Can't wait to read your answers though.

3)  Have you ever requested "no gifts" for a child's birthday party?

Marcia really wanted to add this phrase to our invitations, but I was not so sure. I would be interested in your ideas about birthdays.  Please sound off.

Art Ed

Pearl, outlining, Feb. 2007

Pearl, shark and fish, March 2007

Carrie, marks, March 2007

Birthday Girl Pearl

Photos from the birthday weekend are posted in the album to the right.  Thanks, Warren, for this one!

Puzzle Junkies Rejoice!

Drag the tiles to make one word.  When they link together, they are correct. 

Word Of The Day Puzzle provided by Quote Puzzler.  There will be a new puzzle in this space every day.  Idea provided by Heather.

Pearl's Third Birthday

Jack, Miles, Pearl, and Alex stop for a half-second for this special photo-op.

Calling All Dinos

Here's the invitation to Pearl's birthday party. 

Happy Birthday to Pearl

Today is Pearl's 3rd birthday. At her school, one of the birthday rituals is that the student brings a photo from each year of her life, from birth onward.  I thought I would organize this post on the same concept.

What are friends for?

Pearl entertaining/frightening Cosmo.

Sister Act

I often hear from blog readers that Pearl and Carrie seem to get along so well. They ask, Is that true? 

Well, sometimes it is.

On the other hand, I think every time-out Pearl has ever gotten has been for something potentially dangerous she has done to Carrie.  There are moments when Carrie sees Pearl coming and either cries or tries to escape.

Pearl and Carrie are only 20 months apart in age.  They often play side by side, but they also often set their sites on the same toy.  Carrie is finally getting old enough to protest. It's about to get interesting.  The girls enjoy sharing a room together. Neither wants to go to bed without the other. 

My sister and I are also 20 months apart.  My theory is that 20 months is close enough in age that sparks are likely to fly between two girls, but the bond is also likely to be all the more welded together.  As for Pearl and Carrie, time will tell. 

Here's a poem that I like by Emily Dickinson.  Really she is writing about a friend, Susan, who is like a sister to her.  As I recall, Susan is her neighbor and her brother's wife, her sister-in-law.

ONE sister have I in our house,
And one a hedge away,
There ’s only one recorded
But both belong to me.
One came the way that I came	5
And wore my past year’s gown,
The other as a bird her nest,
Builded our hearts among.
She did not sing as we did,
It was a different tune,	10
Herself to her a music
As Bumble-bee of June.
To-day is far from childhood
But up and down the hills
I held her hand the tighter,	15
Which shortened all the miles.
And still her hum the years among
Deceives the Butterfly,
Still in her eye the Violets lie
Mouldered this many May.	20
I spilt the dew but took the morn,
I chose this single star
From out the wide night’s numbers,
Sue—forevermore! EMILY

News of the Day

Do you remember in May when an essay I wrote was published in a book by Beacon Press?  It's called Confessions of the Other Mother: Nonbiological Lesbian Moms Tell All, edited by Harlyn Aizley.  Well, that book was nominated for a Lambda Literary Award.  But even better than that, it is a finalist.

The Awards Ceremony will be on May 31st in NYC.  You can see the complete list of finalists here.

Action Figure

Blog Turns 3

Every year I miss this blog's anniversary.  This year is no exception.  But since I'm only two DAYS off (last year I remembered two MONTHS later) I thought I'd report it to you. I was reminded of this fact by Lesbian Dad, a blog with the same origination date, only two years later. 

I started The Other Mother a week before Pearl was born. I knew life was about to change, but I didn't know much more than that about what to expect.  Now I find it difficult to remember life without children. 

Best wishes, blog.  Travel lightly.