Pursuit of Happiness

It may seem to you via this blog that I am an upbeat person, and I usually am, but the truth is that I have a life-long relationship with depression.  I am not always depressed, but I perceive my life as a constant struggle with it.  Depression never seems very far away.  For me, happiness has been one of those fairly elusive things.  I often ask myself, what makes happy people happy?  I have also wondered if happy people can understand depression, and conversely, if those people who have "been there" can conceive of true happiness. 

As I parent, I find still more to fret over. Will my tendency toward depression affect my children?  What have I learned (if anything) about creating happiness?  Are there ways that I might help Pearl and Carrie become happier, both in the present and in the future?

Recently I discovered "The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness" by Christine Carter on the website of The Greater Good Science Center at Berkeley.  They publish extremely readable articles based on scientific research.  From Carter's article, I take away a number of ideas that I want to remember and practice in our family.

• "Happiness certainly comes to some people more easily than it does others, but nature does not trump nurture when it comes to well-being. Only about half of a child’s overall level of happiness is determined by her genetic make-up."
• "The primary components of a happy life—positive feelings, flow and fulfillment, emotional intelligence and strong social bonds—are deeply intertwined. Experiencing and expressing positive emotion is at the heart of almost all love and friendship."
• an "important skill [that] parents teach children is how to deal with free-time and solitude in a way that promotes fulfillment and flow rather than loneliness and depression
• "Emotional intelligence and social competence are rooted in the parent-child bond. Studies show that when parents and caregivers pay close attention and respond to the emotional cues expressed by their children, children learn to regulate their emotions better."
• Parents can perceive "emotional expressions in their children—even anger and frustration—as opportunities to connect with and teach their children."

These passages are not meant as a summary but rather as ideas that struck me based on my personal experience.  I was surprised at how important Csikszentmihalyi's ideas about "flow" are to Carter's article.  I had read some of his work with great interest, but I don't think I had related it to parenting.  As always, your thoughts are welcome.

Comments

[Fionnaigh]

I’ve been thinking about this one a bit. I think my parents did pretty much everything right, in line with Carter’s ideas. So I should at least have most of the 50% of happiness and wellbeing that isn’t genetic. But “happiness” is not a word I’d really use about my life. I know, however, that I’d be a lot worse off if my parents hadn’t been so great – the skills they gave me have helped me survive. But bipolar is a bitch. I think I was happy and well-balanced and had high EQ etc when I was a kid. And then when this illness hit, it was disabling, it wiped out a lot of the skills that I used to have. It changed everything. I don’t think the best parenting in the world can generate happiness in some kinds of darkness. But I know my parents are always there for me, even in the worst kinds of misery. That doesn’t make me “happy”, but it’s what I need most.

[cake]

i read __a general theory of love__ when i was pregnant, and it really had a huge affect on my understanding of how early childhood experiences of love and feelings of security can effect our levels of happiness as adults. reading that book (though i think this kind of "science" has some obvious flaws) changed my approach to parenting significantly.

[shannon]

Thanks for the link!

I think your description of a life-long struggle with depression fits me pretty well too. But one thing that has drastically changed for me in recent years is that I feel like a fundamentally happy person with bad patches, rather than a fundamentally depressed person with good moments.

I feel so lucky that Nat seems to be genetically predisposed to happiness. I do everything I can to nurture it. Mainly, I try really hard to be empathetic and to mirror her emotions honestly. I don't "give in" to her ("negative") emotions, but I try to acknowledge them and let her know having them is perfectly acceptable. And I try to be as demonstrative as possible towards her and towards Cole in her presence.

Saying "I love you" has always been hard for me, but it's the least I can do for my children.

[ssusoz]

Thanks for the link to that article, it has a lot of interesting ideas in it.
I most identify with the notion that EQ is rooted in the parent child bond - if someone responds to your cues and really pays attention to you in infancy, then you'll be more able to express your emotions and more aware of your own emotions - a state I certainly wasn't in as a child or a young adult.
I also think that being able to find creativity in solitude has been an attribute I've seen in a lot of happy adults, especially older people who grew up before electronic entertainment.