Question(s) of the Day

For obvious reasons, Marcia and I have been talking a lot about birthday parties.  A while back Marcia shared this website and our main goal has been to keep things simple and child-centered. Here are some questions for you.

1)  Did you (will you) have a big party celebrating your child's first birthday?

We had small family-only parties for Pearl and Carrie's first birthdays because the birthday is really more for the family.  Our one-year-olds didn't know what birthdays were yet.  We did have a cake and we did sing happy birthday.  We had a few gifts.  But that was it.  I've read poll results, though, that indicate that many  families do bigger celebrations for the first birthday than the second or third. I know that some cultures emphasize birthday #1. 

2)  Have you ever been to a birthday party that you considered over-the-top?

I haven't.  Not yet, anyway.  Can't wait to read your answers though.

3)  Have you ever requested "no gifts" for a child's birthday party?

Marcia really wanted to add this phrase to our invitations, but I was not so sure. I would be interested in your ideas about birthdays.  Please sound off.

Comments

[Julia]

Your presence is gift enough! written at the bottom of the invite has always done the trick for us....

[Shannon]

So far, both of Nat's birthdays have essentially been playdates with cake. The only thing making them birthday parties was the cake. (And Nat pretty much never gets sweets any other time, so cake is a big deal!) One friend her age, my mother in town, the friend's parents and us. ("Us" includes David.)

I went to a 2 year-old's party that was from 6-9 at night and more of an adult party with kids runing around. Like--all adults, adult food, adult music and it went way past Nat's bedtime.

That was weird. Not necessarily over-the-top, but not 2 year-old oriented.

I said no gifts at both Nat's first and second birthdays but both times she got them anyway. It's okay though, a picture book and a stuffed bunny are no big deal. If there were lots of guests I'd insist on no gifts. We don't have room for so much stuff!

As she gets older, I do imagine she'll get her own ideas about what she wants in the way of sweets, guests and gifts, but I figure I'll set the bar very low and hopefully it won't take much to wow her!

[Jen (yup, another one)]

We went to an insanely over the top 1st birthday a few years back - Disney Princess theme (ecch!!) with goodie bags for kids and ADULTS! It was catered, there was one of those icky photo cakes (really, do you want to EAT your baby's cute face?), and there were zillions of people, adults and kids.

Despite that, we are planning to have a largish party for Natalie's first because we either do family only (which would be awkward because of tensions in the family) or no party because there's no way to invite some people and exclude others. However, we do plan to say no gifts (sorry Miss Manners!) and suggest that if people want to bring something they can bring a book (used or new) for charity. We'll see how that goes.

The first birthday party is more for us than for her, I think. For parties after that we'll have to figure out a way to make it small.

[Mieke]

By now you must know how I feel about birthday parties and what my attitude is. I love pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, musical chairs, crafts, and homemade cakes.

Regarding the no gifts - up until their 3rd birthdays I asked for books and not toys. Once they are 3 they know the deal so it's impossible not to allow presents. They are excited to get them too. We have a rule though, that if you decide to keep a gift you were given then you MUST pick out a toy to give away to a child who is not as lucky. That seems to work. Now when we go to get markers in teh store, Jonas will say, "shouldn't we also get some for the kids who don't have the extra money to buy markers."

[oneofhismoms]

We had a pretty large gathering for B's first birthday. It was in our home. There were babies all over the place. B loves other babies, so he had a blast.

I haven't been to an over-the-top party, but B has. I went to pick him up from daycare one day and there was music blasting down the street. When I got to the yard, the whole daycare center was celebrating. There was a DJ, a magician, and a caterer. It was for a first birthday. Now, I live in New York City. There are many more OTT parties, I'm sure. But this was my first contact with one. That little 12 mo had no idea what was going on and he's not going to remember it.

I dig presents. I also love cake. So bring 'em on! That said, at 19 mo, B still has a few birthday presents in the closet. But we regularly cycle the toys out to charity.

[Ann]

Let's see, for Ben's first birthday we did a big party with like 25 of our friends and did request no gifts. Because as you point out, it was a celebration of him for us. However, everyone did bring gifts. We did not do a 2nd birthday because he really still didn't get it and the first birthday really turned out to be a lot of gifts. He turns 3 in three weeks and we booked a play place because he is interested in playdates and playing with friends outside of daycare and we thought a party would be fun for him. We didn't request 'no gifts' because nobody pays attention anyway.
Am interested in that link you posted because I never thought about 'recouping costs' or 'pressure on the child'...

[cake]

for cosmo's 1st birthday, we had a party. but it was more for us than for him. we wanted to have people over in our new place (a belated housewarming), and to celebrate everyone who had been so important to us in cosmo's first year. it was the day after thanksgiving, and we had an open house for most of the day. i made a big pot of lentil soup, had some rice, and people ended up bringing thanksgiving leftovers, so we had tons of food, and it was self-serve. i made a wholesome carrot cake, which cosmo barely tasted, and at some point, we sang to him, and he seemed to really enjoy that. we said that presents were not expected. i wanted to say 'no presents', and in the future i might, but i know that getting stuff for kids (especially if you don't have any) can be irresistible at times... but i knew i did not want to have a gift opening performance. so we opened things as the person arrived (as much as possible). that seemed to work ok. many people did not bring a gift, and i don't think anyone felt bad if they did not bring one.

the best part of the party for me was that cosmo seemed to really enjoy himself the whole time. he had a nice nap before people came, and was in a great mood.

before this party, there was also one with out of town relatives. it was small, but tons of gifts and a kind of "hoopla" that i don't think is appropriate for a one year old. so, i have to think about what to do about that in the future.

this is a great topic for discussion. i really want cosmo's future birthdays to be enjoyable for him. i don't think a big party is necessarily the best way to make that happen. i think as he gets older, i would like for him to just have a friend over, and we can do something special. but before he is old enough to have a best friend, i don't really know what we will do.
i also really don't like for him to get so many presents. already i feel like he has way too much stuff! this is an issue at christmas time too, and is more of a problem with relatives.

one of the things i found most puzzling was this idea that cosmo had to have cake or he was somehow being deprived. at that point, he'd never had cake or really any sugar at all. his relatives thought he ought to have some but i knew that it made no difference to him (neither did all the presents for that matter. one balloon would have been PLENTY for him). i didn't want him to get all wound up, and then crash, so i avoided it.

[MaMaMia]

We just had a party for our now 3 year old, 13 kids 15 parents. This was the official party, but because that is just not enough cake, he had a celebration with out of town relatives two weeks prior, and cake on his actual birthday too. This is funny coming from parents that make an effort to limit his sugar intake!! Anyway, we only did family parties up to this point and are glad about that. They don't really get it before then. This year was a big deal. He and his friends were talking about it a lot at his school. Our kids must be almost exactly the same age!

[Laura]

We had a small party for E's first b-day. We were kinda bullied into it! Just some cake and a few presents.

Yes, we've been to over the top parties. We went to one this year with 25 kids and another 25-30 accompanying adults! It was at a pretzel making place, which was kinda fun. But the numbers were overwhelming! Oh, and this was for a 3-year-old.

We've had one party, I think, that said no presents. I actually find it more confusing when someone says no presents. I feel torn and end up bringing something anyway...

For E's 3rd, we had a party in the back yard. We got a $10 water slip and slide thing, and some craft stuff for the driveway. I made a cake. It was great fun and we had about 10 kids (by accident!) The party was in August and we didn't expect anyone to be around so we over invited. It was great fun, but oh so tiring.

Just my 2 cents.

[Robin Reagler]

I think Pearl finally finishing opening the last gifts today--it took a whole week. Usually she opens a present and plays with it for at least half a hour.

[mandm]

This is M's first year for a real party, as well. The first couple of celebrations completely freaked him out. His 3rd birthday consisted of cupcakes at preschool and a cake at my parents' house. His birthday always falls around Easter, which I don't necessarily observe, but my mother sure does overdo it big time. That's been a source of confusion right around his birthday, as well.

So this year, as you know, we have the party in the park. I have tried to keep it as easy and traditional as possible. No bouncers, no scary big people doing tricks, no petting zoos. And definitely not the $300+ shindigs at the bouncing places that are popping up all over town.

I very briefly considered the "no gifts please" request, but I knew it would not be heeded. I have been to parties like that, and been the only one to not bring a gift anyway, and I felt bad for coming empty handed.

The last issue is the "to open or not to open" at the party issue. The parties we go to are 50/50. I prefer those where the gifts aren't opened, though it felt very strange at first. With these younger guys, it's a lot of stress and that lack of inner voice and consideration for the feelings of others often leaves many with hurt feelings when a duplicate or unwanted gift is open. With M, it's multiplied 1000x even on a daily basis, so I'm not going to inflict that on him or anyone. I just have to hope everyone coming understands enough to not get feathers ruffled if they don't see the gift they gave opened in front of them.

mel

[Trista]

Ug. We had a huge party for Julia's first birthday on accident. We started inviting people and then couldn't stop for fear of leaving people out. I think we had something like 40 people there (who would have thought they'd all come?) and I had a panic attack while opening the presents because it was just TOO MUCH.

Never again. For the next several years it'll be Family Only and maybe one very small outing (sans cake, presents, or gift baggies) with a couple friends (when she gets old enough to want friends to come)

As for the presents thing... I liked the ideas on that site for dealing with present pressure. In the past, for my own birthday, I've resorted to not telling people it's a birthday party and just calling it a gathering that happens to have cake, since I want the gathering, but not the presents or the singing.

[Mel]

love the pictures and the invitation!

let's see...we had a reasonably big party for ryan, actually grandma threw it, so it was mostly her friends. :o) it was a good mix though...and ryan had a great time. next year we'll have a smaller party more focused on ryan's friends than on adults.

we did go to an "over the top" 1st birthday party. it was really like a small wedding. totally crazy, unnecessary and wasteful. but, if you can afford it and it's something you want to do, then i say go for it!

as for the "no gifts" idea, we thought about that too, but actually went a slightly different route. ryan's birthday is around the holidays, so we were going to ask folks to bring an unwrapped gift to donate to toys for tots in lieu of a gift for ryan. that way, people could still shop, but it would be for a good cause. we decided against it because we thought that people would then buy two gifts - one for toys for tots and one for ryan. so, instead, we just donated some of her gifts ourselves. at some point, you've just got too much stuff!

[Liza]

We also did a very small gathering for Noah's first birthday. Both of our families are far away, but we had a few neighbors come over for cake and singing and hanging out.

Noah got heartily sick of these people being in his house and towards the end was completely clingy and upset, finally crying and insisting "bye-bye! bye-bye!" Which clearly meant "Mommy, get these people the hell out of my house!"

If we had done something bigger, I don't know how he would have coped.

BTW, Miss Manners says that you can't tell people "no gifts." I think it is hard -- your friends and family want to be generous with your child, and there's something about saying that they can't do that which doesn't sit well with me.

I do think you can tell them -- in conversation apparently unrelated to the birthday -- that your house is overrun with toys, or that you're looking for ways to teach your kids not to focus on material things, or some other "please don't overwhelm us with gifts" message that is more about your parenting philosophy than about telling them they can't give your child a present.