Bball and All

Marcia said something interesting about our different styles of parenting.  It has to do with how we watch Pearl during her play time.  It may make more sense to you if you know a little about basketball (go, Comets, go). 

Two of the basic theories of defense in basketball are "man to man" and "zone" defense.  I guess M's strategy is "man to man" or in our case, woman to baby.  She sticks closer to Pearl, as Pearl experiences all things great and small--the dog's food bowl, for example.  During her play time, I tend to encourage independent activities and often I "multitask," shall we say.  I listen for unusual sounds and hope for the best.  So far, we've had no disasters either way (knock on some wood).

One factor that should be acknowledged is that because Pearl nurses and Marcia is the birth mom, their bond is tighter.  When Pearl feels needy, and a choice is available, she will go to Marcia.  With me, Pearl is much more independent.  She views me as a separate person from herself.  With M, the boundaries are probably not as clear.

That said, I'm wondering if either of these strategies sounds familiar to you?  How do you hover, as your toddler explores our universe?

Comments

[Moxie]

It's the opposite in my family. I'm the zone player, feeling if El Chico wants me to itnereact with him directly, he'll ask for it (which he does). My husband always sticks very close to him and initiates play. I attribute it partly to the differences in our personalities, but also to the fact that I'm so close physically to El Chico from the nursing that I don't feel that need to be right there playing. Which seems to be the opposite of what you're thinking about your situation. Interesting. Maybe it really just is about personality.

[Laura]

We have the same dynamic, but opposite! I'm the birth mother and I'm far more likely to multitask and leave her to her own devices, while Jenny is more "man-to-man" (woman-to-girl??). That said, I think it is a good mix. I agree with Moxie - for us, it's a personality thing. But also, our little one does clings to me when she is unsure, so I'm far more likely to give her space when she is willing, so I can get a break! Interesting topic...

[Robyn]

we have both been, at times, prone to zone management. he has always been really good at independent play. i will admit that when he was younger...i was more woman-to-boy...and i am his birthmom. i'm soooo curious to see how the new baby will turn out...to see if our dynamics change. since Harris was NOT breastfed...he's always been very close with both of us..and for a while, Cindy was always PIF (parent-in-favor). lately...he's mama's boy (i'm mama, Cindy's mommy). so funny how it all ebbs and flows.

[noner]

I'm not a parent, but I never hovered over my dogs when they were pups and I never hovered over babies I sat for.

I'd like to say I woudln't be a hovering mommy and would encourage independacne in my children, but I'll never know for sure.

[Jenny]

Interesting question. I'd have to say that we're both zone players and we're both man-to-man players as well. It's a matter of mood (Doodles and our own) as well as time of day.

In the mornings, when Adam has Doodles, he's very much a zone player, working on his computer while Doodles entertains himself. And then we shift and I take over, and it's total zone as well. But in the afternoon, after nap time, when Doodles is more vulnerable, it's all woman-to-boy. I'm much more in his face and following him around. And when Adam is home from work, he too is more man-to-boy, with lots of roughhousing and directed play.

The time I hover the most is when we're out at toddler gyms. Then I feel like I'm all over Doodles, trying to protect him from the bigger kids, keep him from overwhelming the smaller kids (there are a few out there!), and generally making sure he doesn't hurt himself. At home I know he's safe. Out there in the big scary world, I'm not as confident.

So ours doesn't go by gender lines/birth parent roles. However I will say that all day long, Doodles asks for "Daddy," and he's thrilled to death to see him when he gets home, but the minute he's upset or hurts himself, my belly button is the only thing that will soothe him.

[susoz]

I'm the birth mother and I didn't so much play with him when he was a toddler, but I did like to just sit nearby and watch him, not for his protection but for my own enjoyment. And I would set up activities for him to do - painting, play dough, music, specific 'toys' etc. Or else I totally immersed myself in an adult activity such as computing and left him to his own devices (so he was good at being 'alone' from an early age). The other mother, who was the fulltime carer for him between age 1-2, rarely played with him or sat around watching him - she would busy herself with cooking or housework around him, or involve him in her domestic tasks.
Now that he is six, this pattern remains - I set up or suggest activities for him and then leave him to them; she involves him in her activities. It's good for him to get this variety in life.

[Rachel]

Family info, if it matters -- plain vanilla het married couple, I nursed both our boys well past their 1st birthdays.

Both my husband and myself have a "hands-off" attitude about the boys -- if they're in a safe area, we're perfectly happy to be out of sight and know that if they're in trouble we'll probably hear about it. A couple of times this has bitten me in the ass, but so far we have all survived -- and I've gotten a lot more done than I would if I tailed the boys like a well-paid private eye :).

The man-to-man style is familiar to me -- many first-time moms in playgroups do this. I have to admit it drives me a little batty, because playgroups aren't for babies (right?) -- they are for moms to drink coffee and complain about stuff (right?).

:) :)

Rachel

[Chloe]

Very interesting topic!! As we are going through a bit of clinginess right now. I think I am more prone to do the mom and baby thing... Sometimes interacting but if not always close... and my partner doesn't always do that... And being birth mom Lilliana is seeing me as top mom right now. And tends to push past my partner or not even react the same way when we do the same thing like walk through the door... I always get a squeal and a fast crawl over to me where my partner gets a happy smile from across the room and she makes no move to head her way... but as we know it will change at the drop of a dime..