Time In

Now that we have a bonafide toddler on our hands, we're starting to consider the wonderful world of "discipline" for the first time.  We tend to think in terms of rituals and structures in the day that will help our daughter (and us) know what to expect, what happens next.  Although we don't tend to be clockwatchers, we have a certain order of events each day and a bedtime that we keep unless it's a very special occasion. 

Obviously, Pearl's safety is our primary concern here.  We don't want an obedient child so much as a sensible one who takes a bath in the tub, not the toilet. 

Many of our friends use the "time out" as a way to create a pause, especially with kids a little older than Pearl.  We've been rereading the almighty Sears book, and they add to the list of choices the "time in" method for young children.  A "time in" involves bringing a frantic child closer to you rather than farther apart.  As you might guess, a la Sears this means the sling.  Although we haven't "done" attachment parenting in all respects, the sling has worked well for Pearl in the past [see photo above]. 

Have you tried out "time in" with your child?  What structures have worked in your family?

Comments

[anniem]

We also turned to the Sears methods first, even going so far as to buy his _Discipline Book_. We also liked Stanley Greenspan. But to date, the all time best discipline book I've read is Margaret Mead's _Coming of Age in Somoa_.

Even so, discipline is such a hard thing to enact. Once we decided on some boundaries and rules, we found teaching them through play was more effective than telling them upon infraction. So far, our best lesson has been to watch for those famous "cries for attention" and respond with lots more attention because kids really don't have a better way to communicate such a sensitive need than to break a boundary.

[Robyn]

nope..never did "time in"...musta missed that in my Sears book readings (i'm a terrible skimmer...reading only that which applies to my immediate needs!). and i must admit that i've not cracked a child development book in...ummm...well..MANY months.

we are only NOW..at 2.5 starting to use "time-out"..though we've not really called it that. mostly we've called it "quiet time". and we are using it in conjunction with a quasi-1,2,3-Magic approach (must admit here to only having read parts of that book as well). up until a week or so ago..we'd just try redirecting behavior. and saying..."we don't...xyz." but he was still hitting/kicking/throwing/screaming/etc...so, we started saying..."that's 1" on the first time he did xy or z...and "that's 2" on the 2nd offense...and then follow that up with saying..."if you do it again...you will need to go sit in the chair". and then...upon the 3rd infraction...we'd say..."that's 3, please go to your chair". and then if he didn't go to the chair..we'd pick him up and put him in the chair...where he actually STAYED!!!! (we'd tried this once before...about 6 months ago and he didn't understand..and he bolted!) and for approx 2 mins...he sits or hangs on the chair...and then when the time is up, we ask if he understands why he had to take some quiet time...and he has pretty much said the reason every time. i'm shocked and amazed. OH...the coolest thing...is that we've only had to do it 3x. but we've counted to at least 2 many more times than that. amazing.

"time in" sounds really good. guess i'll pull out the old Sears book for child #2!

[Laura]

We also are doing the time out thing, but only when our 17 mo old gets out of control (i.e. hitting). Since she won't sit in a chair, if she hits us (and thankfully, it's only us right now!) we tell her that hitting hurts and she needs to stop. If she does it again, she gets put in her crib, with all of her stuffed animals removed. She stays there for a minute or so, and then we ask if she is done hitting. She will say done, and then we take her out and move on to other activities. It's a bit harsh, but she gets the picture that hitting is NOT okay...

[Mieke]

At Pearl's age there it's really hard to "discipline", they don't get the idea yet. At that age we did a lot of "time in" or if it was something dangerous or painful on quick loud yell "NO!" and by yell I mean YELL. For example, when Jonas tried to kick the dog at one, that was dangerous not only for Alice but for Jonas who could have been bitten by a startled and hurt dog. I immediately yelled NO as loud as I could and scooped up him up at the same time - scaring the shit out of him. Which was my intention. I am not normally a yeller so this definitly got his attention and he got it RIGHT away. He cried. It's not to say it never happened again, becuase they have impulse control issues, but it only happened once about six months later - I had the same reaction and he has never done it again.

In our family we don't say "time out" we also say "quiet time" because many times when children are acting out, it's because they dont' have the language to tell you they've had it, they are overwhelmed, or want to be alone. If the three year old is acting out, I tell him, in a nice but firm voice, to go into his room until he can control his body (or voice) and that as soon as he feels ready he can come back to us (and if need be say sorry). When he does get it together and comes back I always greet him with a smile and say "welcome back". The interesting thing is that by putting the power in his hands he makes the decision about when he can come out and most times he will spend some real time in his room reading his books and just chilling out.

[Barbara]

Discipline is so often thought of as a negative thing. Our job as parents is to teach our children how to be adults. I have never believed in time outs. First, they didn't work for us and second it was more of a time out for me, not them!
I always did the time in (but I didn't know it had a name). My kids have always really responded well to just talking with them and discussing the problem in an age suitable conversation. I know this works. I have strangers come up to me at least once a week saying what nice, well-behaved kids I have. They know their manners and I can take them anywhere. I also believe in discussing beforehand what is expected of them. For example I would tell my kids before the grocery store that I wanted them to stay close to the cart, not act like maniacs and say excuse me when you walk past/in front of someone etc. When we visit friend I talk with them about manners at the table, cleaning up the toys after they are done playing and saying “thank you for having me” when we leave.
I really do believe discipline is common sense. I just think we as parents second-guess ourselves and make it more complicated than it needs to be. Trust your instincts.

[Tammy]

Hi,
We are dealing with a lot of discipline in our house right now, with a 2.5 year old. She seemed fine with her new baby brother at first, but now, 8 months later, I'm seeing alot of aggression. We do time out, and she undestands it, but it doesn't seem to be a deterent. We also take toys away and put them in a spot she can see but not reach if she is mis-using a toy ie. hitting the cat with it. Basically it's just a day at a time. Sometimes an hour at a time.

[suzoz]

I like that idea of 'time in'. Like you, we have always wanted to bring our son closer, rather than put him away from us at times of friction and stress. And we also used routine routine routine to set up expectations for how the day would go and how people should behave. We've never done a single time out (he's six).
We also have dogs and from that we have learnt not to be scared of saying "no' very firmly.

[susoz]

ps I like your use of 'order of events' and 'structures' and 'rituals' more than my use of 'routine' - I meant the same.

[elswhere]

We do a lot of counting. Basically if there's something Sarah needs to stop doing, she stops doing it by the time we get to whatever number or we move her away from it or it away from her or whatever. We try to make the counting thing matter-of-fact and not threatening. As she gets older we also count to get her to do stuff (take her plate to the dishwasher, etc.). Sometimes it feels like all I do is count, especially in the transition-laden evenings.

Mostly what we do now is withdraw help or fun things--though not love, support, etc-- for a short period of time if she does something unsafe or unkind (like, if she leaves toys around after we ask her to put them away, the toys go away for a while. She hates that.)

I have occasionally physically taken her away from the table if she has a tantrum there, though-- we have a pretty firm "no meltdowns at the table" rule. But really
we never got the hang of time-out, partly because our house is so small and Sarah's room is so appealing to her that we had no place to do it. As she gets older, though, she tends to take herself away to calm herself down-- and if we come near when she's still upset, she asks us to "leave her some space." Which is pretty cool.

Boy this is long. And I'm not sure how much is useful to you. The changes seem small day to day but there's a big difference between 1 and 4, and I'm sure we do really different things than we did 3 years ago. I wish I could remember better.