On the Mixing of *Marriages*

Thanks, Robyn, for this thought-provoking question: How are you addressing religion in your family? Are you planning on raising the girls Jewish or otherwise?

I thought about my answer to this question and then consulted Marcia and decided my thoughts and her thoughts may not be entirely in sync.  Nevertheless -- I will share.  It's an issue that we are working out as we go along.

A bit of background. I'm Jewish and was raised in a small town in the bible belt.  My family was the only Jewish family there.  We belonged to a synagogue over an hour away and attended a Jewish summer camp (where Robyn and I met).  Marcia was raised as a protestant.  Not only is she a PK (preacher's kid) but both her parents are PKs too. Both families have lots of preachers and other devout Christians.  Eventually her dad became one of the top leaders in his church.  Organized religion was a major structural element of her childhood.  It is interesting that neither she nor her siblings participate in religion any more.

Back to the answer.  Our original plan was rather vague but vague in a way that seemed okay to me.  Marcia and I decided to create a family life built around rituals that draw from a number of different traditions--Jewish, Christian, and other ones. 

We wanted the kids to have meaningful memories that centered on rituals that are based on family activities.  For example, I love the way the Passover Seder reminds me of all the other past Seders that I have enjoyed. When I was in grad school, my friend Susan D invited everyone she knew, regardless of religious preference, to a huge Seder.  We all sat on the floor and brought our own plate and silverware.  We would read the passover story with the feminist haggadah, and those of us who were Jewish (less than 10%) would do the Hebrew passages.  Susan's interpretation of the holiday helped me understand the universal appeal of this story of deliverance.  Since Susan moved away from Houston, I have tried to recreate her Seder, although on a smaller scale.

Rituals tend to remind of us the past and provide markers for our memories. In our family, we have our own haggadah that we have spliced together over the years. This past year we celebrated Hanukkah and Christmas. We have been lighting candles on Friday night for Shabbat.  We dyed eggs for Easter, and we plan to add more of these traditions as the girls are able to do more. This may sound like a mish mash, but it doesn't bother me.  So far.  (On the hospital form, Marcia labeled herself Unitarian!)

We haven't participated in organized religion of any kind.  This morning I told Marcia I had no interest in joining a religious institution and asked if she felt the same.  She said she was not so sure lately.  So, as you can see, we have more to discuss.

I would love to hear how you are dealing with these decisions, or how you think you would, when the situation arises.

Comments

[RAZ]

Our situation is similar. I was raised Jewish, Melanie, Catholic. Neither of us are religeous though we both enjoy the cultural aspects of Judaism. Melanie spent several months on projects to fulfill some requirements the rabbi who did our daughter's baby naming required of her. She hasn't officially converted b/c we're really not interested in becoming religeous which we would have to do. We do intend to raise Ryan Jewish and as such will become involved with the JCC and a synogogue eventually. In the meantime, we spend Passover with my parents and Christmas with hers and like you, will figure out what else to do as she's old enough to be involved.

[LilySea]

We're a mixed marriage too. Though in our case, I'm the institutional Protestant (with strong Roman Catholic sympathies and loads of non-Christian friendships, educational and social experience).

Cole is an atheist. She was raised in a (borrrrrring) mainline protestant church and never had any desire or interest or curiosity about religion once she realized that the Fellowship of Christian Athletes was NOT a good place to pick up girls!

We are, however, an excellent, peaceful match. Because Cole really and truly doesn't believe in it, she doesn't care much what I do or what I do with Nat, one way or the other. She doesn't think it matters. But she does agree with me that churches (or other institutional religious communities) can be excellent support systems and sources of chosen family. So she fully supports me involving Nat in my church and she even stood with me at Nat's baptism and went throught the motions (and even most of the words) of the parents' role in the service. it was just a nice ritual to her.

My beliefs are that there is a Higher Power and that power is benevolent. That's all I'm willing to swear to. I don't think that Higher Power cares what religion people belong to and I don't think it punishes people by sending them to hell for picking the wrong religion. So it doesn't matter to me what Cole believes or does as long as she's respectful of what I believe and do.

There could be any number of ways to incorporate a world view that believes in this benevolent higher power into child-rearing. While I am as critical of Christianity as any Christian with as much religious education as I have (super-critical and highly informed about why), I don't think Chrisitianity is particularly worse than any other institutional religion generally speaking. And I love my denomination's politicas, rituals and much (though certainly not all) of its history (I'm an Episcopalian by adult choice). So its version of the benevolent higher power myth is as good as any as far as I'm concerned (especially in it's most feminist versions). And since it's what I know best, and the community I was formed within, I feel it is most ethical for me to stick to this one versus making a radical change to any other, given my fairly lax belief system.

I do think a congregation, or other concrete and discrete group of people is critical in raising children in faith in a higher power. The reason I believe this is because I'm an extremely left-leaning person socially and politically and a major communitarian ethically and theologically.

To me there really is no god outside of horizonatal human relationships. The higher part of higher power is that part of relationships that make them greater than the sum of their parts. I suppose I believe that god is in nature and can be experienced there, but I think those more solitary experiences need to be brought back to and nurtured in community for faith to thrive.

So there you have. My credo in a little box at the bottom of your blog!

: )

[Julia]

Interestingly – Both my husband and I were raised in Christian Science. Which if anyone is wondering is NOT Scientology (not that there is anything wrong with that)  Anyway, when we were dating, we lived in Charleston SC where church was a very social thing. Everyone went - no matter what. We choose our church based on where we wanted to get married. (I know, not very honorable-but it saved us some money). It was First Scots Presbyterian. We liked the pastor and his message, and were pretty much entertained by all that the church did differently from how we grew up.

After we married we went a couple of times to church with friends and family we were visiting them. My husband is (what I call) an angry atheist. So he cares A LOT about where we go and what we do spiritually wise. For awhile we celebrated Solstice instead of Christmas. (yeah, that kind of angry) I believe in a higher power, and very often find comfort and help in Buddhist writings. So I have no idea where that puts me. I know for sure I don’t take the Bible literally. I find almost all of what Jesus had to say as good, and wonderful example of a human being, but so was Gandhi. I don’t believe that any one group has it totally right either.

A few months before our first child was born. I started to notice how really religious our friends were. (BTW did I mention we are in the Air Force?) Before any of us had kids the subject of spirituality or religion never came up. But once we all started procreating I started to learn that I was surrounded by conservative Christians. My husbands suggestion was that we just pretend, go along with the crowd, just pick a church a fake it. He was still an angry atheist but no one else knew that but me. I thought his whole idea was ridiculous and completely the wrong way to start off on a spiritual journey as a family unit. So one day I was on a website for military mothers and it was a atheist forum or something like that. I ask what all these others ladies did with their children. That was when I was introduced to Unitarian Universalism. I had never heard of that before.

Anyway, to make a long story short (too late) We went to a UU church and I REALLY liked it. Mason tolerated it, and that was good enough for me. We had our son dedicated there after he was born.

I think the idea of church and community, plus the education of our children in the Bible in general and in traditions is very important. As a stay at home mom (who lives away from her family) I find a lot of support in my church. I think that it is important for my son to be around other adults (not just teachers or babysitters) who can be friends and mentors to him as he grows up.

I am so grateful that a organized religion like UU exists. I want my son to be fully educated in ALL of the Worlds religions. He can decide where his own spirituality lies as he gets older. I want to give him the facts, so that he will be armed if he ever gets approached with fear or hate.

We still celebrate Christmas (he got over that whole thing) and we have started celebrating Passover as well as Easter. We continue to make a big deal out of Thanksgiving, since I love the message (whether or not it is historically accurate).

I love your blog, and reading everything you and others have to share. Hope you found my story interesting.

Keep it up! Julia

[salcam]

Scott's atheist and I'm non-theist with a hopeful dash of spirituality. Callan will be raised with as much information as we can give him on the various religions of the world and he can make his own decisions. Yes, we celebrate Christmas (Scott was raised Catholic and I was raised Presbyterian)but in a secular way. So far no conflicts. Interesting how it didn't really matter until we had the boy.

[Liza]

My family were "Easter-Christmas" Lutherans, although when I was around 10 or 11, we went most Sundays for a couple of years. The church was extremely progressive, diverse, and active in the community.

Jill was raised Catholic, but after her family moved when she was 10, she quit going to Catholic school, and they pretty much quit going to church.

I'd like to find a church community to join, but I'm not particularly attached to the doctrinal stuff. I'm more interested in finding a community where we all feel comfortable, get more rooted in the city, and where our son will learn two things I think are really important:

1) How to behave in church, and
2) Bible stories, since they come up as literary themes and allusions so often.

[Suze Oz]

We're not religious at all but we're hangers on to various friends' rituals, eg Passover, Christmas etc. We have some close friends now 60 who have now-adult offspring - they (the parents) were raised Jewish and Christian like you and Marcia and did exactly as you describe when their daughters were young - they selected the Jewish and Christian rituals they liked and celebrated all of them. I think that worked very well for them. Neither of their daughters has children themselves so I've no idea whether they would carry on these traditions. I recently asked one daughter (33) if she thought of herself as Jewish and she said no - that she had when she was about 20 but no longer does. (She's not religious at all.)