This is one of those emails that goes around and around and around. Maybe I've hit a low point or something, but it really made me laugh.
Are You Ready for Children?
Do the following to prepare yourself or find out if
you're incompatible:
Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and
curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and
rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place
a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all
summer.
Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos
are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or
broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over
the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the
bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals
(goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at
the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay
for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live
octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that
all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill
halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a
stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or
Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending
to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on
the floor.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and
fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly
in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the
bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your
alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing
every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen
more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for
5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5
years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test: Obtain a large beanbag chair
and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it
there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Social Test: Have some important family members or
people from work come to your home to visit. When they
show up, turn the TV and stereo on full blast. Start a
self-propelled lawn mower in the front room and let it
careen around the house at random. Now try to
graciously entertain and converse with your guests.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a
small child. Lecture them on how they can improve
their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet
training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways
they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should
never allow their children to run riot.
Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you
will have all the answers
Recent Comments