It Happens Fast

Today Pearl told Marcia, "All the kids have a mommy and a daddy except me."  We knew this would happen, but we didn't think it would happen this soon.  She's 2 1/2 years old!  Marcia explained that some families have two moms or two dads or a grandfather, and so on. And left it at that.

Then I got home.  Early, because it's flooding here.  Marcia whispered what had happened.  We sat down for a snack, and the Sunday newspaper was lying at the end of the table, unread.  There was a big front page story on same-sex parents, and the picture happened to be one of the lesbian families who was in our adoption group in San Antonio in August. I showed Pearl the picture and asked if she remembered the two mommies and their baby boy.  She nodded seriously, yes.  Then Marcia pointed out other details from the photo, such as their cat and their dog.  That's all we've *done* so far.

Please guide us on this one.

And take a look at Cynthia Garza's story on gay and lesbian parents in the Houston Chronicle.

Comments

[Kelly]

I am a single mom and my daughter did the same thing at the same age!

She said that all of the other had a mommy and a daddy and she didn't. I then sat her down and tried to talk to her about it. Instead of being hurt etc... she was quiet for a moment and then asked if we could go to the mall and buy a daddy!

There have been deeper discussions since then but that is the one I remember the most clearly.

[Liza]

I think you're doing great!

All we can really do is continue to be honest and open with our kids, as you did, without lots of sturm und drang. Pearl & Jojo have a wonderful family, and this is what it looks like. Other kids have great families too, and some look different.

Thank you for posting on this. As a mom with a younger baby, I look forward to learning from your experience.

[Pixie]

HA!!! Like Kelly's daughter, I, also wanted to buy a dad-
my mom was a single mom... Funny.
My little boy has also been asking about this mythical "dad"- since he was about Pearl's age. All the kids at school would do things for Mommy AND Daddy- so wait a minute- where's MY daddy- it makes sense... At first it was easy to explain to Jade that not all kids have dads. Not all kids have moms- etc and so on... Now, however...not so much. He is not as satisfied with that simple answer. At 4 he wants to know WHY he doesn't have a dad- and the other day he asked me if Hanzie (my partner of over 3 years) was my daughter. He knows perfectly well that she is my PARTNER- we both take on a certain level of parental control in his eyes, but he is just trying to work it all out in his tiny head! I am trying to remain open with him and tell him how lucky- how very lucky he is- that he has ME- his Mama who loves him- and hey- Do you know anyone else with a Hanzie???
It interests me that so very many of us do grow up in "alternative families"- my grandmother raised me and my teenaged mother more like sisters- talk about weird. Yet, it is SO hard to explain when its innocence asking.
Good luck- you two seem like amazing mothers- Carrie and Jojo have nowhere to go but up with loving arms.
-Lissa

[Unbalanced]

I think you handled it very well. The most important thing is to keep it age appropriate. At 2 1/2 you doing want to overload them with information and it seems like she was satisfied with the answer she got. Keep up the good work!

[elswhere]

I agree with everyone else-- you've affirmed that her family is one of many kinds, and reminded her that she's not the only one with a family that looks like hers.

What helped us with the same issues when MG was Pearl's age was having other real-life lesbian families to show her or remind her of, just the way you did. I did have the feeling that she thought only we and our friends had 2-mom families, and that there weren't any elswhere in the world, but at least she knew she wasn't alone.

We also checked out a library book around then called "Celebrating Families", that has photos of all different kinds of families: nuclear, extended, divorced, single parents, gay, as well as some I wouldn't have thought of right away: homeless families; foster families; families where the dad's in prison, etc. It's out of print, and the content's pitched for a slightly older child, but it worked for us and has continued to be a favorite library checkout.

One thing we didn't do until later was to read her "Heather Has Two Mommies" or one of the other books like it, like "Asha's Mums." A central plot point in all those books seems to be that someone--another kid, or sometimes a teacher--disapproves of the main kid's family or tells him/her (usually her) that there's no such thing as having two moms. So we stuck to books that just gently showed different kinds of families.

She's read "Asha's Mums" and one or two others by now, and seems to like them. But 2 or 3 just seemed too young for the idea that someone might think your family is wrong.

[Jessica]

Hey,
Marcia and the kids and my son and I have recently become "park pals." (BTW, your kids are gorgeous!) We have a "different" kind of family too. Our son was adopted and he is black and we are white. I think the comments you've gotten are all good. The more you can hang out with families that look like yours the better. But perhaps to seek out families that look like ours too or other non-traditional families is a good idea. Then, all of our kids can truly see the diversity of families out there in the world.
I too think you guys handled the situation well. What I try to remember is that I want Miles to always feel like he CAN ask those kinds of questions and can talk about the feelings behind them whenever he wants.

We haven't gotten to this point yet, but in my transracial adoption support groups, I've been told to be mindful of my own feelings about his losses (and my own losses that his losses trigger) and to be careful not to bring those "to the table." I get anxious when I think about Miles beginning to ask questions like the one Pearl asked. I've been told to remember that that anxiety is MINE, not his. That he might just be asking questions to get the answer and move on. Hope that makes sense.

You probably also know about this book, but we really like Todd Parr's Family Book. Check it out it if you haven't seen it! Nice blog!

[Jessica]

duh. I wrote about Pearl and Miles asking "questions" in my comment, but I mean comments/questions. Thanks!

[anniem]

I, too, think you handled it well. Less seems better at this age. Underreact. Their normal is defined by their surroundings so reinforce that this is their normal. If you respond strongly, they'll sense something's up. It's like the Dr. Sears story of parents that hug tighter when the kids squeeze tight at the doctor's office--it tells them it's right to feel frightened whereas loosening right then tells them mom's not worried about this.

You guys are so great. Own it.

[SteveS]

I'm the only dad that takes someone to our preschool on a daily basis, so Kristin knows that all other kids have moms except her. She wishes she had a mom.

I've blogged about it several times over the past year, it came up recently, for the second time, although I've worried about it quite a few times more.

I told her the same routine, that all families are different, but then I pointed out what moms do, (cook dinner, kiss boo-boos, wash hair, read bedtime books, I gave a lengthy list) and then reminded her that's what I do too, so it doesn't matter if it's a mommy or a daddy. Mommys are girls, daddys are boys, but they really do the same thing.

She seemed to accept that, although I'm sure this discussion will continue over the years.

[Polly]

Two and a half is coming up in just a few months for us, so I'll start bracing!

I feel inclined to answer this question, when our kids spout it, with the statement that they do have a daddy: me! With a quick clarificataion that daddys are one of two parents, and usually daddys are men, but that's not the case in our family.

But I know too that that answer feels a hair over-complex. My specific name for myself, parentally, is "Baba" (yours is too, right?) and so I imagine the main thing I'll say to our kids is that what they actually have is a Mama and a Baba, and that having a Baba is special. Like having two Mamas, or having two Papas, and so on.

I totally concur with everyone's suggestions that looking at (noticing, pointing out when relevant) other family diversity puts our own kinds of non-normative family in a rich context. And I also think that books make a huge impact. At least it seems like the things our daughter reads really stay with her, and make up a rich part of her imaginative life.

Thank you for opening this up to us. Courage, ma soer!

[susoz]

Although I agree with what everyone's said so far, I also think there comes a point when it's appropriate to just empathise with the child feeling sad about not being like everyone else. I mean, we all like to fit in (at least some of the time). And not having a mother and father is a pretty big way of being different. For my son, there have also been moments when he's been specifically sad about the lack of a dad, although he is now capable of expressing for himself that he gets to have his "other mother" instead and that's pretty fantastic. We allow him to have both those feelings, not to have to repress the sadness. If it can be expressed and if the mothers really listen and "hear" that, then he can easily move on out of his sadness.

[mopsa]

I'm looking to you to be virtual mentors around this issue. You're getting there before me and it's certainly and issue we're already thinking about. I'll be interested in seeing how this develops for you.

[Sharlene]

I don't have much to add except be honest; kids respect honesty.

[shannon]

Hey you got the crazy clone spam too!

Sounds to me like you're right on track. No more info than requested in an age appropriate way. And how cool to have the paper cooperating!

[tina]

i usually just say something like, "shut up. i don't feel sorry for you. look at all those toys. i would trade 5 of my dad for that train right there!" this seems to work well.

[Cris]

http://www.dcnetwork.org/

This is a donor conception organisation in the UK. We recently bought their book called "Our Story - for children conceived by DI into lesbian parent families"

It is fantastic - Ella (2y 4m) loves reading too and she often asks for this one.

It is appropriate for children born by DI and has wonderful childrens drawing throughout.

[sinda]

Our kids have a mom and a dad, but here's a cute story from my 5 year old. She and her friend Lilly were playing, and when I walked in, Hannah was saying, "Yes we can too!" when she saw me, she said, "Mommy - tell Lilly we can so get married when we grow up. Two girls can be married, right?" "YES!" I agreed. Lilly said, earnestly, "But I like boys!" It's one of my favorite exchanges, and proof that I'm doing something right, anyway!

[Susan]

We're blessed with a remarkable diversity of families on our block, which comes in handy for reinforcing the diversity of family types. Sometimes, with a question like Pearl's, I'd find a way to point out ways in which Pearl IS like some of the other kids she's comparing herself to, and how some of the others might be the only one to have a big dog, or live on a farm, or whatever. There are all kinds of ways to be like and unlike each other.

I don't always react the same way to CG's questions or comments: sometimes I ask her a question (What do you think it would be like to have a daddy? or what would a daddy do with you? and I just get talking about her fantasy), sometimes I point out who is in our family (and we list all the people who love her), sometimes I do the we're all alike/all different thing.

It's a good thing she's talking about it, that's for sure!

[Mary]

Hi guys,
I don't have any great pearls of wisdom. I am interested in the conversation because our son is 9 months old, and I know this will come up. I was wondering if you
have seen Todd Parr's Family Book? It is just a big book of different types of families. We like it alot over here.