Question of the Day: Popping the Question

What's up with same-sex marriage? Suddenly all 50 states are rushing to legalize it? Has the great race for equality finally kicked in?  I'm rubbing my eyes as I cruise the news. Should I start saving up for the big W? This is not really something that I've been anticipating.Where would I begin? Help!

Comments

[SteveS]

I think that everybody sensed that America is ready for change. And I think that judges always wanted to rule this way (Constitutionally, it's the obvious way), but were afraid to before. I simply think that perhaps that fear is eroding.

From what I read about Maine, a mere 55,000 votes can put the law into suspension until it goes onto a voter ballot. So in spite of what happened today, I wouldn't put Maine in our column just yet. But perhaps I'm just being cynical.

The momentum is on our side. A lot of states have discriminatory Constitutional amendments though, and so those will be harder to undo.

But to be positive, I do think we are getting to some no-turning-back point.

[SteveS]

I mean 55,000 signatures on a petition.

[Susan]

Sort of an embarrassment of riches, eh?

[Robin Reagler]

STeve, thanks for sharing your thoughts--I hope you're right. I'm hopeful!

[Robin Reagler]

Susan, You poet you!

[Debra]

You're being rhetorical right? I mean what's up is that it's a critical mass of people being reasonable and fair-minded and courts being the same. I'm hoping it continues and eventually even reaches us here in Texas (what are the odds).

As far as saving up and planning, I guess we've always assumed that at some point we'd go somewhere to get married, then have a big party at home for our friends and family. On the other hand, I've always said that I don't want to travel just to have a marriage that isn't recognized in Texas or by the Federal government.

[amy]

I thought you were asking where would you begin to plan a wedding so I was going to suggest you keep it rooted and true to you and Marcia - your words, rhythms, how you beat. We took our vows directly from notes we wrote to one another and we planned our occasion like it was just another barefoot slow dance on our hardwood floors. Perhaps you could integrate scrabble or scrabble tiles somehow? And I can only imagine your poetry.

I'm not holding out for Texas, though. I think we will be floating in tea and more secession speak long before then. I hope I am wrong.

[Cheryl]

I kind of like/hate seeing California--which loves to think of itself as liberal and cutting-edge--being left in the dust by Iowa.

As for weddings, I'm all about legal rights, but I still believe queerness comes with a free pass to opt out of expensive dresses and dried-out cake if you so choose. Call me old-fashioned. :-)

[Robin Reagler]

I agree, Cheryl!

[Robin Reagler]

Rhetorical for sure. It's unbelievable that gay marriage was the hot button issue 4 years back and now it's becoming legit, even in conservative states. I expected the tide to turn but not this quickly. Surprised, but pleased!

[Robin Reagler]

That is what I was asking. I think I wrote the first sentences with assumptions that weren't quite right or else unclearly. Would love to hear more about your wedding one of these days. Happy Anniversary!

[stidmama]

Washington recently passed an "everything but marriage" act -- automatically conferring ALL rights, but not the name, to domestic partnerships (which includes older hetero couples). There is, predictably, an attempt to stall its implementation by placing it on the November ballot. I truly hope that fails. Meantime, my heart hopes SO MUCH that my friends and family will be able to achieve the legal recognition and protections that marriage affords. But I am not holding my breath, there have been too many disappointments.

[Melissa]

I'm surprised but pleased too Robin. However it never made sense to me to wait for the state. Seems there are marrying kinds and non marrying kinds of both straight and gay varieties...and Anne and I always shared a strong urge to tie the knot. A nuptial gene perhaps! Our big white wedding took place in '94, three years after we met. It didn't matter to us emotionally then or now whether the govt or state rubber stamped it. And I don't think we'd rush to re-do another wedding in the unlikely event that PA made it legal. Because we're already married! Likewise, if we didn't have that wedding urge before, that wouldn't change if it did become legal. Good luck mulling it over...and I do know folks who've had a lot of fun traveling to a legal state (hello Hawaii) to have the wedding.

[Rachel]

i'm all for being afforded the same legal protections (financial, estate, etc.) as hetero married's, but i could care less about the 'marriage' part. we had our commitment ceremony in 2004 with white dresses, our own vows, a rockin' reception, all done at the lakefront home of some friends in the town where we met. it was a blessed gathering in front of friends and family, my partner's own 80something grandmother even reading scripture. but to this day, i refer to it as a commitment ceremony. It bothers me that gays who haven't been legally married (in those few aforementioned states) or who are simply committed lifelong or long-term partners say they are married or my "wife" or my "husband". this probably makes me an unfavorable gay.

[Robyn]

well...i've been wanting something...some kind of celebration of our committment to each other...for years now. sure...we could just do it. but the thought of all of that planning and expense (cuz you know i'd have to do it up right...and there will be jews involved...so, plenty of food, dancing, etc!) keeps me from it. then i think about eloping somewhere...and that just doesn't ring true for us...i'd want all of our friends and family there to WITNESS and show their support. so, i guess we may be waiting a looooong time to be able to do it up big...and legally...right here in Texas.

[Julia]

I'm coming to the States in July for 6 months with my girlfriend, make sure you invite us to your big W if Texas follows the recent trend as well!!

;-)

[figboiler]

boo and i got married that first summer in massachusetts without telling anyone. there was such a buzz there. we were so swept up and in love. a year later, we threw a really dope party and invited everyone we loved. in the end, i was a little surprised at how meaningful of a celebration it was.

these days, i still feel surprised that marriage has been chosen as our collective fight (i shouldn't get started on hrc here), but as one of the couples straddling the what-are-our-rights-here? state, i think our next step should be to get rid of DOMA.

[anniem]

I'm with Rachel. Marriage itself, on a legal level, is about rights to fiscal domains like property, children, and the body on its deathbed. There's real hope to gain federal ground there, even in Texas. We could brand that saying, right? 'Even in Texas' has come to represent the final frontier in the US politic.

Beyond rights, marriage is something for churches to work out. That's the oddly silent ground that is still shaking down, even in this post-change world: what will the religious institutions do? I, for one, am ready for some post-marriage seal--some relational officializing that can reflect our post post-modern values that are both ultra- and intra-religious and yet honor the very human yearning for *our* communities to recognize our identity change when we choose a person with which we will identify for a long time, maybe even for life.

Suffice to say, I want something beyond 'marriage'. Can you invent it?