ON LEAVING: AN ESSAY
by Carrie Olivia Adams
Notes toward its beginning
I. What will remain
A. dust of the luna moth
B. carpet bunnies
1. that clung to a pant leg, a cardigan sleeve
C. brown hair
1. on the window sill
D. a furniture footprint
E. the smell of quiet
II. To move
A. the inverted tongue
1.
laid out between dictionary pages
B. the question asked by one hand
of an other
III. Things unlikely to fit through the door
A. yesterday's
1. light split by blinds
2. pink glow of new skin
B. the voice
1. of an offer
a.of the something else
IV. To pack
A. rose
1. flattened
B. the inside of a pearl
C. twine
V. Forgotten Things
__
The Body
Surreal does not mean too real. It is the real that we cannot hold, cannot see. Without plucking our eyes.
Brown paper lines the thoughts of pearl. And I wrap
glass with the black and white etchings of faces and names, smudged to
the tips of my fingers, streaking themselves along the cheek.
And, I would rip my heart out for them, those faces
and names. Give it in pieces. And hope that I could grow a new one by the time I needed it again. To give away.
If there can be a footnote to absence, it is the beating heart. You must trust me this time.
I never said it, did I? I never told you. Or did you just pretend not to know for my sake? Or for yours? I will tell you that if you think it is true, it is.
I think the boxes must be real. Though they bend when I watch them too much. In them, I have swathed and placed you, in moments. I am tying them, twine unravels to the door. You would place petals in
my mouth as it opens.
__
Works Cited
Silent Dictionary, Parchment That Knows the Tongue
Luna Moth, A Short Short
Thread Sound, What Is Beneath
Known Notknown, The Look When He's Not Looking
Index Finger, Chasing the Jaw-Line
Sundays, When the Week Is Spent
Woman Who Re-reads Your Letters, Memoir of a Scab Picker
Boxed Parrot, Green Under Closed Lids
Tulips That Would Be on the Table, The Inside Before Unfurling
__
Omissions Revisions
Not flame
Not smoke
A red scarf only.
I should have said he instead of you.
If dust,
then envelopes.
The rope became twine became string became the aftermath of absence only.
Hands ask what eyes can't. They lead the leaving.
Then boxes,
if keeping for myself.
Not giving away.
Not asking to be given.
I might have said there is so much I should tell you, but that would have been a line. I can’t pry the shoulds from the
understood.
I will re-imagine this.
Which means it is impossible not to take the paint chips, the carpet threads, with me.
Which means you will keep finding brown hair.
by Carrie Olivia Adams
published in DIAGRAM 2.6
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