the OTHER mother

My Great Big Fat Weekend in the Big 'D'

I've always appreciated Marcia. Well, almost always. But this past weekend the appreciation was manifold!

Up until now, I've been the solo parent for no more than a single night. This weekend Marcia went to an unofficial college reunion and was gone four days. Yes, readers, FOUR DAYS! [Insert violin music here.]

At the same time, my G-dmother, who lives in Dallas, was celebrating her 75th birthday by doing her bat mitzvah. Much of my family was attending so I loaded up the kids and drove to the Big D.

As you might already know, the bar/bat mitzvah ceremony is traditionally a coming of age ritual. The adult bat mitzvah has become more common in recent years because most of Judaic history was not as Equal Opportunity as today's Judaism. Aunt Elise started studying Torah a year or two ago. Her children, her grandchildren, her brothers-in-law and cousins and all done their bar/bat mitzvah, and she decided that she could do it too. And so she did.

The service was very beautiful. The musicians played guitar, flute, and drums, the singers were all women, and the songs were more like Debbie Friedman compositions, rather than the traditional cantorial style. And although Aunt Elise, through date of birth and luck of the draw, got the most boring Torah portion ever, she somehow still managed to deliver a poignant, thought-provoking, and moving sermon.  Congrats, to my wonderful g-dmother!

As for solo parenting, the challenges were many, but nobody got hurt. At the hotel, my brother told me in the first hour that one his goals for the weekend was to give his kids (four of them, twins Pearl's age and twins Carrie's age) as much pool time as he could so they'd be comfortable in the water before starting swim lessons next week. That sounded good to me so I quickly adopted this goal for our family and spent many hours in the water.

The benefits of this plan were (at least) two-fold. Not only do the girls seem ready to become starfish next week, but they were also SO tired by bedtime that they didn't even miss Marcia. At least they didn't mention it.

That, friends, was my Marcia Appreciation Weekend.  On Monday (Memorial Day) we were all happy to be reunited in H-town.

Photos by David Reagler (a.k.a. Dad/Pop)

Happy Chanukah, from Texas with Love

Marcia can find a

nice way of saying anything.  This morning, for example, she said to me, "I like the pictures you've been posting on the blog. Maybe you would like to add some words to go with them?" That's how she gives me a kick in the you-know-what.  Kindness is always appreciated in Grrrlville.

I know I haven't been writing much, but it's not because I have nothing to say. Rather, it seems I have too much to say. So I say nothing. Nada.  Zippo. Depression is a part of this. But writing words, I will try.  Here goes.

• Two weeks or so after my cousin died, his mother (my aunt) died. She was my dad's only living sibling.  It's hard to believe that they are both gone.
• My mom has had double pneumonia, but she is recuperating well.  She has amazing super strength!
• I've been working on several projects for the holidays.  I enjoy making things.
• As I mentioned previously, we've been investing kindergartens for Pearl.  I'm sure the amount of time and effort spent was overkill, but we made a decision, turned in our application (early!), and feel good about it. Now it's just a question of whether we get in!
• I've been reading mysteries and doing word games, mostly on facebook.
• Did I tell you about the Chanukah presentation at preschool?  This year Pearl said she was indeed "Jewelish."  Carrie said: "Look, Baba! I get to sit by Jacob!"

I'm going to try to make myself write more this month.  Once I get going, I do enjoy it.  Hope your holidays are gearing up in a way that is not too stressful and mostly merry.  Robin

Toddler Existentialism

Have you noticed? Four year olds can really surprise you.

Last night we were walking through the parking lot to our car after a fun dinner with friends at the neighborhood taqueria.  Pearl turned around and said, "Baba, G-d is dead, right?"

In the classic tag-team parenting style, I copped out and said I wasn't sure. Ask Mommy.

Seder Tales

As I mentioned last week, we went to Arkansas to celebrate Passover with my family.  By some miracle comparable to the parting of the Red Sea, the parent generation overruled the grandparents, and we all went to the community Seder at the synagogue. 

Between us and my brother, we have 6 energetic, excited toddlers, ranging in age from 2.5 to 4.  Even though we had 8 adults, it was not what most would call a "manageable" situation. 

Gram bought Pearl a new dress for the occasion.  Although she complained about it at first, later that night at bedtime she said that wearing the dress was her favorite part of the day.

She did not care for the religious ceremony too much, concluding "that guy must be too wise for me."  The "guy" she refers to is the rabbi.

Carrie, the youngest of the children, tried to find ways that she could participate. In this photo, she is trying to enact the plague of the wild beasts with some of the older children.  Luckily for us, she did not invest in this role to her full potential, because it is a part for which she has had considerable practice at home and even a certain amount of expertise.

My favorite moment of the Seder (and no, we certainly didn't make it to the end) was another of Carrie's antics.  In the middle of one of the rabbi's extended prayers in Hebrew, Carrie raised both arms straight above her head, much like the football referee does to indicate a touchdown, and she yelled at the top of her lungs: CHOCOLATE!

Next year in Jerusalem.

Chanukah Report 2007

We've lit our Chanukah candles every night except for the first one.  Pearl says the prayer in Hebrew with Marcia and me.  Carrie chimes in on occasion with a chant of Tan-Dulce, Tan-Dulce!  That's how she says "candles."

Chanukah 2007 went well, and tonight was the final night. We ate oatmeal pancakes instead of potato and played Candy Land in stead of dreidel, our usual quirky substitutions, but everyone seemed to enjoy the nightly rituals.  That seems significant.

Oh, and by popular demand, here's the link to a story from Chanukah 2006 in which you may discover whether or not Pearl is jewelish.

Carrie Loves Candles

Happy Hanukkah, Y'all

Hanukkah started a day late in Grrrlville, but originally I'd thought we'd be starting two days late.  So we're ahead of the game, see?  It's not that we're utterly unprepared; it's because I had a work meeting Tuesday night and Marcia taught classes on Wednesday night.  But last night (Wednesday) we began in earnest. 

Earlier that day, Pearl and I did a Hanukkah presentation for her class at school.  She said the prayer in Hebrew with me, and chimed in at various moments with the refrain: I like the chocolate pennies.  It was as though she were channeling Carrie. Her classmates seemed to enjoy learning about Judaism.  We brought dreidels, gelt, and sugar cookies for everyone.

The past week has been a whirlwind of prep, but now that gifts are acquired and wrapped and the family DVD is almost finished, I'm hoping to relax and enjoy the holiday season.

Reunion Bound

This weekend we are headed north for Marcia's extended family reunion.  I've never met many of these relatives. They have a huge family, and  I'm a little anxious because many of these folks are considerably more faith-based than we are.  But over the years Marcia has managed to navigate gracefully through the sea of "oy veys" that is my family, and I am sure I will manage in my own way. 

As always, your guidance is welcome.

Seder Tots

For the first time since we added the kiddos to our mix, we hosted a seder for passover.  It was a modest feast with no hagaddah and only a brief discussion of the holiday.  We orchestrated it so that it was set up exactly like "circle time" in a preschool.  Miles (age 2.5) managed to ask the leading question of the seder, "Why is this night different from all other nights?" Everyone cheered, including Miles.

The search for the afikomen (a big cracker wrapped up in cloth) was perhaps the funniest part of the evening.  The kids were so excited about the prizes they would get if they found the hidden object, that they could barely focus their eyes.  They danced and shrieked for 10 minutes.  By the end, all the adults were literally pointing at it in the bookshelves.  Eventually Pearl "discovered" it.  With Nerf balls for everyone, the rollicking continued.  By 8 p.m. we were all exhausted. 

Next year in Jerusalem?  I sort of doubt it, but you never know.

Making Latkes

You can't "do" Hanukkah without frying up a few batches of potato latkes.  Pearl thought that adding powdered sugar to the pancakes would be a fine idea.  And apparently she meant lots of sugar.

Jewels

Last night I went out to run some errands with my visiting parents.  Marcia said that as she was tucking the girls in bed, Pearl revealed, rather ominously, that SOMEONE in her class at school is JEWELISH. But I"M not jewelish, she said.

Marcia asked her to repeat the term several times.  Eventually she put 2 + 2 together.  She knew they'd been studying Hanukkah at school last week.  The teachers must have looked at Pearl as they announced that one of the kids was Jewish, giving her a chance to "come out," as it were.

The teachers know that we went to Max's bar mitzvah and that we celebrate Hanukkah so they assume that we identify ourselves as Jewish.  That makes perfect sense.  I guess that they are a step ahead of us.  We have never used terms such as Jewish or Christian.  We have family rituals such as lighting the Shabbat or Hanukkah candles.  But because I'm Jewish and Marcia is not, we also have a Christmas tree and stockings.  We dye Easter eggs and ask the four questions at Passover.  Maybe we're unitarians?

Marcia explained to Pearl that in fact Baba is Jewish, as are Gram, Pop, Jeffrey, Aunt K, Uncle Stuart, and so on.  Pearl nodded. Her last words before she fell asleep were, "Well, maybe I am just a little bit jewelish."   

We'll be doing a presentation about Hanukkah for Pearl's class next week so the questions will probably continue. Your thoughts are welcome, as always.

On the Mixing of *Marriages*

Thanks, Robyn, for this thought-provoking question: How are you addressing religion in your family? Are you planning on raising the girls Jewish or otherwise?

I thought about my answer to this question and then consulted Marcia and decided my thoughts and her thoughts may not be entirely in sync.  Nevertheless -- I will share.  It's an issue that we are working out as we go along.

A bit of background. I'm Jewish and was raised in a small town in the bible belt.  My family was the only Jewish family there.  We belonged to a synagogue over an hour away and attended a Jewish summer camp (where Robyn and I met).  Marcia was raised as a protestant.  Not only is she a PK (preacher's kid) but both her parents are PKs too. Both families have lots of preachers and other devout Christians.  Eventually her dad became one of the top leaders in his church.  Organized religion was a major structural element of her childhood.  It is interesting that neither she nor her siblings participate in religion any more.

Back to the answer.  Our original plan was rather vague but vague in a way that seemed okay to me.  Marcia and I decided to create a family life built around rituals that draw from a number of different traditions--Jewish, Christian, and other ones. 

We wanted the kids to have meaningful memories that centered on rituals that are based on family activities.  For example, I love the way the Passover Seder reminds me of all the other past Seders that I have enjoyed. When I was in grad school, my friend Susan D invited everyone she knew, regardless of religious preference, to a huge Seder.  We all sat on the floor and brought our own plate and silverware.  We would read the passover story with the feminist haggadah, and those of us who were Jewish (less than 10%) would do the Hebrew passages.  Susan's interpretation of the holiday helped me understand the universal appeal of this story of deliverance.  Since Susan moved away from Houston, I have tried to recreate her Seder, although on a smaller scale.

Rituals tend to remind of us the past and provide markers for our memories. In our family, we have our own haggadah that we have spliced together over the years. This past year we celebrated Hanukkah and Christmas. We have been lighting candles on Friday night for Shabbat.  We dyed eggs for Easter, and we plan to add more of these traditions as the girls are able to do more. This may sound like a mish mash, but it doesn't bother me.  So far.  (On the hospital form, Marcia labeled herself Unitarian!)

We haven't participated in organized religion of any kind.  This morning I told Marcia I had no interest in joining a religious institution and asked if she felt the same.  She said she was not so sure lately.  So, as you can see, we have more to discuss.

I would love to hear how you are dealing with these decisions, or how you think you would, when the situation arises.

Mixing the Messages

I've been meaning to ask this question for quite a while.  I wonder if you have thoughts or experience about orchestrating (euphemism!) the holidays when your family is rooted in two different traditions. 

I grew up in a Jewish family, and Marcia is from a Christian one. Our plan is to select meaningful rituals from both Christmas and Chanukah, however it would be helpful to hear how you approach this situation in your home.

3 Wise Women

My friend Amina sent this:

Q: Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?

A: They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought practical gifts. 

Happy holidays, everyone!

Cruise the News

Here are a few stories from today's news that I thought you might not want to miss.

Scientists Make Phone That Turns Into a Sunflower

Scientists said on Monday they have come up with a cell phone cover that will grow into a sunflower when thrown away.

P. Diddy Visits W

President Bush gave the hip-hop mogul Sean Combs (a.k.a. P. Diddy) a private tour of the White House yesterday. In conversation, Laura Bush discovered that she and Puffy share the same birthday. The president suggested they celebrate jointly next year. "I'll arrange that," P. Diddy offered. As he left, he told the first couple, "You have a nice house."

Officials Need Help Finding Cross-Dressing Bank Bandit

Wearing glasses, a brown, shoulder-length wig, a red beret, and a purple or pink hospital scrub suit over a long-sleeved white shirt, the suspect presented a note that stated, "This is a bank robbery."

Traveling abroad? Disguise yourself as Canadian

For $24.95, T-shirtKing.com offers the "Go Canadian" package, so that an American traveler abroad can take a vacation free of harassing questions about U.S. politics.

Students Claim the Dreidel Record

Indiana University's largest Jewish organization put a new spin on Hanukkah on Sunday by claiming an unofficial "whirled" record. Armed with tiny wooden tops emblazoned with Hebrew characters, more than 500 people perched cross-legged on the floor of the Gladstein Fieldhouse flicking their wrists, pinching their fingers and trying to earn a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records for twirling the most dreidels simultaneously.

On that note, Happy Chanukkah to you!

Happy New Year #5765

Here's wishing you a sweet new year. Whether you're Jewish or not, it's always a relief to think, tomorrow when I wake up I will start anew.

Happy Rosh Hashanah.

Happy Haircut!

One topic that I return to often, both in this blog and in conversations with friends and family, is the topic of rituals. I have contemplated the umbilical cord ceremonies, the 100 day birthdays, and other ways that different cultures mark and celebrate the growth of children. Today I attended my first Upsheren ceremony, and I must confess that even though I am Jewish I had never heard of such a thing before we received the invitation. Just to write this entry, I had to look it up on www.askmoses.com!

The Upsheren ceremony, celebrated on a child's third birthday, commemorates his or her first haircut. Apparently the tradition is rooted in agrarian times, when people learned to never pick the fruit from a tree for the first three years. One of the prominent metaphors of Judaism is the tree of life. The rationale, then, was that you should not cut your baby's hair for three years either. Apparently the Hindus have a similar ritual called mundan. In the Upsheren, you can actually participate in the clipping process. I declined, thinking it was traumatic enough already.

I know that my mother saved a lock from each of our first haircuts and taped it into the pages of our baby books. Did or will any of your family milestones revolve around hair?

A Triple Play

The naming ceremony took place Saturday afternoon. The three babies starring in this little ritual, Pearl and her cousins Tillie and Louis, gave the performance of a lifetime--times three. The ritual was touching, and the babies refrained from crying for the entire twenty minutes. Everyone said AMEN. Then the not-so-traditional, not-so-jewish crawfish boil insued. That's when we let the good times roll.